Chapter 1 of Surrendering

 

1: Leaving part 1

My body slammed hard against the damp wall. I slumped to the ground soundlessly. I could feel the wetness of the wall through my thin T-shirt. I knew before I even looked up that he was feeling regret and hate at himself. So when I looked up and saw the horrified look on his face, I wasn't surprised. His face was so open. I could see all the pain, anger, hate, regret, so many emotions all mixed up on his vulnerable face. I knew he was thinking a thousand thoughts per second. He finally made up his mind. He was going to...leave me. For good. I started crying silently. He turned around and ran to the door, but before he reached it I asked, even though I knew my voice would waver:

"So this is it?" and as predicted my voice was broken, unstable. Like his emotions.

"Melissa..." he whispered. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to. I have to go."

"It's over? You'll never come back?" I asked cautiously. He had just thrown me across the room. He could snap anytime, and harm me again. I knew what he was capable of, I knew I had to be careful. Tread lightly around him, he was like a ticking bomb. The smallest mistake...and it would all be over.

He crouched down in front of me. Then he cupped his hand, he seemed to have reverted to his old self, being gentle, around my pixie-like face.

"Never," he said, after what seemed to be an eternity. Was this to be his last word ever spoken to me? I hoped he would say another three words: "I love you." But what were the chances of this happening? Especially after what he had just done. He was trying so hard to not hurt me again, to control himself. Yet...as he walked away for the last time, I wished he would take one last look at me, and tell me those three words I longed for.

But he didn't.

 

***

 

I couldn't believe it then, and I can't believe it now.

It was truly over.

He won't ever come back.

I felt deeply relieved. There won't be any more fights like those.

So why were there tears falling down my face? Why do I want him to come back? Why do I still love him?

He's not good for me. He's dangerous, a health hazard, but that's what I like , no, love about him. I sighed. Okay, take deep breaths. Relax. Clear your mind.

This is a good thing.

No more pain felt, fear searing through my body whenever he gets angry, hurt buried deep down inside of me.

No more tears cried, blood spilt and my skin bruised.

At least not physically.

Because inside I know I'm deeply hurt. Shattered and bruised. I'm no longer whole. I no longer am, I simply exist. I am the shell of who I used to be...Melissa Moore.

And all because of him! I can't believe I used to think of him as my saviour. I admit I was in a load of trouble before I met him. Then when I did meet him, my problems seemed to dissolve. Vanish without ever coming back, and no explanation left behind. But back then, I didn't even bother worrying about it. Why should I?

I had him.

He was so nice, charming, magical somehow. His brown hair, flopped over his eyes, so that they were barely visible. When I did manage to see them I noticed they were a bright green. Like mine. His face was...breath-taking. Undescribable I was under his spell.

So damn foolish and stupid. How could I have been duped? Behind those piercing emerald eyes, lay dark mysteries. Mysteries that unraveled with time. Becoming looser as

I came to know him better and better. The more I knew him, the more distant he'd become. Like he had been afraid something would happen. And he was right.

I couldn't leave it alone. To abandon all the progress, I refused to. He had been trying so hard to warn me. Telling me to stop digging around. Before it was too late.

But I was persistent, I never gave up. And then he cracked. The first night he hurt me still haunts me. The memory poking and prodding me whenever I'm feeling sad.

And I knew it would be around a lot now that we had broken up. Although broken up isn't the right choice of words to describe it, it's like he had broken my up. Not our relationship, that he had destroyed. Why didn't I stop forgiving him sooner? Why had I made excuses for him? Over and over, time and time again. It became a cycle.

And I knew it by heart. He would get a little violent, hurt me. Then he'd apologize, his beautiful eyes gazing into mine. Two green mirrors reflecting into each other. I'd crack and forgive him. Everything would be wonderful. But then, things would get bad. And the cycle would start over.

But I'll go into further details later. For now...I'm still in shock. I just can't believe it's over.

I turned at the corner of the street. I was still a far way away from my apartment. I just need to keep in the tears and pain until I get there. The street lamps weren't very bright and every once in a while I stumbled. Losing my soul mate didn't help.

When I fell, I didn't feel anything, I truly didn't. At least him severing our connection had made me numb, I can't feel anything physical.

I reached a traffic light and stopped. I stared vaguely at the air. My vision blurred. But that didn't stop me from crossing the road. A car stopped, the wheels making a horrible sound.

I was just assuming. I couldn't see or hear anything. I was lost in my thoughts and memories. Lost eternally in the past. But I couldn't let myself do that. I had to live in the present.

Yet I couldn't ignore my past. I was nothing without it.

Surrendering

"Yet...as he walked away for the last time, I wished he would take one last look at me, and tell me those three words I longed for.

But he didn't."

Melissa Moore becomes empty, nothing but a shell of her former self when her boyfriend breaks up with her. As she makes a very important decision she tells her story, going back two years ago, when they met. She was 16 at the time, and since then has grown and matured. She knows she should leave things as they are, get on with her life. But as she remembers her past, she hesitates. She doesn't really want to let go of it.

Will she have reached her decision by the end of her tale? Or will she have changed her mind?

 

Check out http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2482646/1/Surrendering for the whole story.

My stories

If you want to read more stuff by me go to http://www.fictionpress.com/~clumsybella15.

Please read and review.

-Kayleigh

A couple of poems

Can't be true

I stare blankly at the screen.

Blinking, refusing to accept the truth.

I fight back tears, this can't be happening.

My best friend, she can't be...

No! I don't want to believe it.

Yet it's true.

I saw the scars.

The fake smiles.

But I never saw past it.

The hollowness she must have felt,

pain beyond my imagination,

tears flowing freely, silently.

Nobody even knew. Seven years

of pretending. She was the best actress.

Her lies covering everyone's eyes.

She's been lying all this time.

Hiding behind her mask.

Trying so hard to be brave, hide her fears.

But deep down, she's terrified and alone.

She's closed herself off from me,

she won't let me help her.

And I don't know what to do.

The meeting

His body surging from the dark,

surprising her, made her jump

and almost scream.

Theirs eyes looking at each other.

The air was getting intoxicatingly sweet

with the undetectable scent of love.

Could this meeting be the meeting?

 

Regret

His body wasn't empty like hers had been.

It was brimming to the top with mixed feelings.

With sorrow, because she no longer was.

With pain and hurt, just like she had probably felt.

With tears in those legendary green eyes of his.

With anger at himself for letting her leave this world.

But what he felt the most was regret.

For cutting the connection between them.

 

Love is definitely not blind

When she met him she realized

that all those sayings were lies.

How could love be blind?

She saw him as perfect.

But with those eyes, that hair,

that face, that smile,

everybody must see him as perfect,

right?

So love was definitely not blind.

 

Running out of time

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

A constant reminder,

ringing in my ears.

"You're running out of time."

Stop it, I feel like screaming.

I know that. And I'm hurrying.

I'm running, hurtling through my life.

Because I know it's almost time.

Ping.

"You've run out of time."

 

I surrender

I give in to it, to the dark.

I cave in, I can't hold it together anymore.

I succomb to the invitation.

A sweet release of this cruel world.

In one word: I surrender.

 

Safe haven

A shadow creeping on my ceiling.

My heart pounding in my ears.

The beating of it blocking out everything else.

I'm deaf.

So I pull the cover over my head

and crawl into my fairy tale world.

A safe haven.

Chatroom

I've made a chatroom for this blog. You can find it at http://wwww.freewebs.com/thecharmedones15.

Only just healed

 

She walks in the room,

and sees the shattered

pieces of their relationships.

She picks up a piece,

but suddenly drops it.

 

She cut herself, opened up

wounds that had only just healed.

Smothered

 

Smothered screams faintly echo,

disturbing the eternal silence

that once resided in these dark,

damp and cold hallways.

Haiku

Porcelain doll 

Pale beauty, fragile

and empty on the inside too.

A porcelain doll.

Fear freezes

Fear doesn't matter.

It is now the pain that

Freezes you deep in.

Trees

The silent wind howls.

A couple of trees, a hill.

Awoken by new technology.

Stress be gone

 

A pale, beautiful but stressed young girl goes to a bright green clearing.

Lying down and on her pale face the bright golden sun is shining.

It gently washes away her worries, her problems, her fears.

Slowly drying up every single one of her fallen tears.

She comes to escape the world, the pressure.

The level of stress too high to measure.

But the sun takes care of that,

and the stress is gone.

But not for long.

Stress be

gone.

River

 

Whenever I'm in crowded places

people simply pass, nothing but blurred faces.

The sky overhead getting dark,

as the wind howls in the park.

 

I lay down on the grass.

And once again, people pass.

I stay there, watching the sky.

And when nobody's aware,

I allow myself to cry.

 

Just a few tears I tell myself.

But once I start I can't stop.

Tears flowing like a river.